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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Exhibit A

Here is the best picture I could get of the poor lady and her helpless hairdo! If you don't know what I'm talking about read my last post.

A Movement, a Revelation and a Public Service Announcement

Good day to you!

I just want to start this off by making a HUGE apology to the man who almost hit me head on this morning!  Truthfully it really was my fault and I was immediately mouthing to him that I was sorry (I was very animated and everything - even had my hands in the begging/prayer position).  Here is what happened.....talk about getting your blood pumping first thing in the am....

I was on Barker Cypress about to turn left onto the feeder street of the 290 freeway.  Several cars in front of me were able to take an unprotected left turn.  I followed behind them waiting my turn.  When my turn came I got a little worried by the car heading straight at me.  I just reacted before I really thought it through and put on my breaks and was going to just wait for the next turn.  Better safe than sorry I was thinking.  I guess not.  Next thing I know a truck is heading straight at me head on from the feeder turning left onto Barker Cypress Rd. He screeches to a halt and is laying on his horn.  Now, I take full responsibility for this but come on Mr. I was half a car link past the white line and even if I had been behind the line you would have been turning into the oncoming lane pretty much in order to be facing me head on.  I immediately start mouthing my apology to the man (insert above mentioned hand gestures).  But he stayed right where he was and I tried to scooch back as far as I could so he was able to get by.  The entire time he is LAYING on his horn screaming and waiving at me.  I really didn't mean it sir, I am so sorry.  I was pretty shaken by the whole thing and quite frankly my feelings were hurt by the irate truck driver yelling at me.  Somehow everyone else made it past me just fine.  Why he couldn't just give me the 'ol stank eye and drive on past I don't know.  That is my weapon of choice (the stank eye) when I am mad at someone on the road.  It lets them know you are annoyed and you want them to think about their actions.  Spread the word people, stank eye is the way to go.  Maybe I can start a movement complete with cutesy signs with catchy sayings to promote this movement that we can post on facebook.  Works for everything else right!

Most days I end up on the same bus with lots of the same people.  There is this one lady who I have seen since I started riding the bus and really want to share something with her.  Ya see, she only seems to fix the front of her hair each day.  Its the strangest thing.  She has short hair and she curls the front upwards and fluffs it up.  Then it looks like she grabbed maybe two wads of hair towards the back and quickly stuck a curling iron in it.  She doesn't even bother to separate these wads or fluff them.  I cant quite figure out why she wouldn't take a gander at the back of her head at some point in her life.  Yesterday I sat behind her and was fixated on her wads of hair.  I wanted to separate them and fluff her all up.  I even thought of ways I could maybe touch her head.  Like if I did the head rub thing and was like "hey you, hows it going".  But we don't know each other so that might be weird.  Then I started thinking, maybe she never looks behind herself for a reason.  If you don't look behind you, you don't know whats wrong back there.  I mean, most of my flaws are on the back side of me...what the heck....I should have done this a long time ago instead of dieting and such!  WOW - problem solved.....I feel better about myself already!

I feel as if I should make a public service announcement.  I know it is tough when you ride the bus and you need to haul stuff to work or home from work. Sometimes you just don't have an option other than driving in and that's silly to do every time you need to carry something. So we all try to be understanding when you are trying to cram yourself in the seat with your item after having knocked everyone's heads off getting to your seat.  But here is where I draw the line.....PLEASE DON'T BRING A STARGAZER LILLY BOUQUET ON THE BUS!!!!! For those of you who don't know this, the lilies have this orange pollen stuff on the stamen or pistol (can't remember my flower anatomy) that will stain your clothes worse than anything you have ever seen!!!!! I mean this stuff is impossible to get out of clothes. So it might be best if you either leave your flowers at work or drive yourself.  I wont hesitate to hand you my dry cleaning bill should you spread your pollen! Keep your pollen to yourself!

That is all. :)

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Shut Your Mouth, I Need Coffee! & Reasons Why KDB Hates to Shop

I have had a few things to share with everyone this week and I have been a bit hesitant to do so.  There hasn't been anything super funny happening and I much prefer the funny stuff. Lately it has been a decent amount of really annoying people.  Or people that make you wonder how they function day to day and actually survive.

I don't want to seem tacky only discussing those type of folks...but its all I've got to work with right now. Remember the interesting guy who carries the sword with him?  I posted a picture of him earlier in my blog.  The first time I saw him I studied him for my 45 minute ride home as he stood in the aisle with his sword strapped to his back.  I pondered things like, if he had gotten a seat what would he have done with the sword? Would he think I was weird if I jumped up and screamed "en guard" (how could he) or if I sang For Camelot to him?  What type of person is he???? Well apparently he rides my bus on the regs so I am slowly learning more about him.  Eventually I will get close enough to strike up a convo just for you guys!  Here is what I learned about him this week: he has an affinity for knitting! Yep, that's right.....like with yarn and knitting needles.  He went on a long rant to some poor lady about this yarn maker he once met. WHAT THA WHAT? Didn't see that coming!

This weeks theme has been THE LOUD TALKER!!!  Earlier in the week a lady sat across the aisle from me and decided to take a phone call as she got on the bus.  Talking on the bus is a little more acceptable in the afternoon than it is in the morning in my opinion.  She starts talking and dear lord, she was blowing out my ear drums! She had a heavy accent so I really couldn't figure out what she was talking about but boy was she a megaphone mouth.  I am not sure what made her think everyone in the bus cared to listen to her.  Not only was she loud but she stayed on her phone the entire ride.  I never want to make people feel bad so I try to endure as much as I can.  But the woman wouldn't shut up.  Just lower your decibel lady!!!

She was even able to take her annoying factor to a whole new level. Part of the way through her convo she started doing this weird noise repeatedly!!  I am not quite sure I can describe it in words.  Wish I could just insert a sound clip.  You know the noise you make when you put your tongue behind your teeth and make that sort of clicking noise that usually indicates that you are displeased.  Like when you get in trouble and instead of your mom saying "shame on you" she just repeats this noise a few times.  Geerr, not sure how to explain it but it was FREAKING ANNOYING! She must have been stating her displeasure with what was being said on the other end of that phone.  But she wouldn't stop doing it! I couldn't take it.

So, I decide I had to let her know shes annoying, somehow.  I am not brave enough to just say SSSHHHHH, so here is what I did.  I was sitting there TRYING to read my book. I whip my head around towards her making sure to sling my hair a bit for dramatic effect.  I tilted my chin down and cut my eyes upwards at her and held the stink eye glare for a few moments (I was channeling my inner pissed off Cathy - my mom - hoping to have it down pat by the time I have kids).  I softly (little louder than a whisper) said "Geez".  Then whipped my head right back around.  Do you think this even got her attention...no....but it did manage to make my neck hurt and get my hair in my lip gloss!

In keeping with this weeks theme I sat down by this tiny lady (for reasons I will explain in a bit) on my way in this morning.  Here I am thinking I would have a nice relaxing ride in.  BOY WAS I IN FOR A SURPRISE!  Two seconds after we start on our journey downtown she gets on her phone.  She too has an accent but I am close enough to at least get bits and pieces of the convo.  It makes it more entertaining if you can follow the storyline.  Anywho, she gets on her phone and is having an intense conversation with someone REALLY LOUDLY at 6:15 in the morning.  WHYYYYY????? Its not acceptable to talk in the morning.  (I make exceptions for people who are on the phone with their children or elderly parents....but for nothing else).  She clearly was on the phone with a girlfriend and they were moaning and complaining about some other friend or family member.  Mulling over why this person did something awful to them. WHO FREAKING CARES! The other 22 (allowing and hour for her ride home) do not involve 100 other people stuck in a confined space forced to listen to your loud rants.  Choose anyone of those 22 hours and HAVE AT IT LADY. If you haven't noticed I haven't been making coffee at home in the am....maybe I should get the Keurig out again and possibly save a life.

If you are now wondering why I chose the tiny female to sit next to it was because I am testing a theory.  I seem to have constant trouble with the men I sit next to.  They often think they own the seat and I can maybe have what they have left over after they get themselves situated and comfortable.  NOT FAIR! So this guy walk into the bus (ha ha ha, is this like a guy walks into a bar..??) and me being the people watcher that I am, I watch all the folks walking on.  Forgetting if you make eye contact with a man (most of the time) he will usually then choose to sit by you.  Its weird. So he comes over and takes a seat. 

We got off to a BAD start right from the get go.  He PLOPPED down in the seat not even taking into account that my thigh was right there, and he takes off my left leg just about.  So I readjust myself.  I scoot AS FAR AS I CAN towards the window.  My right cheek is smooshed up against a very cold wall.  I reach down and pull my pashmina wrap out from under his rump and pull my bag a little closer to me as well.  I am sure it is obvious that I am a bit bothered by his abrupt arrival. But NO he didn't get that.  This guy spreads his legs until his leg is touching mine long enough to take his roller bag and shove it at his feet.  Funny how so many people manage to do that without rubbing up on their neighbor.  He starts to get situated in his seat and I think maybe the storm has passed.  Oh man, not so.  He relaxes his legs after getting his bag in and leans his right leg against me! NO TOUCHING SIR!  I can't handle sitting up against a perfect stranger feeling the heat off their body.  GAG! So I do the wiggle in my seat to maybe get him to readjust....nope...didn't work.  I shoved my wrap in between us and winced my mouth together in disgust for the rest of the trip.  I started thinking about how annoying this was and realized, I have never sat by a woman and had this problem.  That is why this am I decide to pick a small female to sit by in hopes of having a better morning commute....you see how that turned out. 

Everyday my bus stops at the northwest transit center.  Its a big bus hub with a variety of people.  So you never know who's going to join you for the rest of the commute.  One day this week we were on our way home and stopped at the northwest transit center.  A few people got off the bus and a few more got one.  The driver was about to pull the doors closed when a burly man covered in tattoos abruptly gets on the bus.  It is how I would imagine Kramer from Seinfeld would get on a bus.  He was half running, half skidding in a sideways manner.  Then he runs the rest of the way down the aisle to the back of the bus.  I was looking around wondering if anyone else saw all of that! 

And last but not least REASONS WHY I'M NOT COOL:
Last week I talked my husband into going to Kirkland's with me (cue the treacherous music).  We had to get out to make a Home Depot run and Kirkland's was right across the street and I needed to look at something (yes, decor is a need).  He does this thing where he thinks he is being a nice husband by not fussing about being in the store with me and occupies himself with games on his phone or reads ESPN or something to protect his manhood.  I am thankful he didn't have me make another trip back to the same area after taking him home once we were done at Home Depot.  But, I find it rather annoying to have someone walk right up behind me following my every move.  I don't quite know how to explain this.  So if I am walking down an aisle and he is right behind me....and I see something I might have passed up and I do a small backtrack....we run into each other or he makes the tiny backtrack with me instead of staying put where he was.  This is particularly fun when he is pushing the buggy in say...Target or something (that's another adventure we had this week). 

We are walking around Kirkland's and I am TRYING not to backtrack.  We make it around the entire store (because I have to see all my options) and I head back to the beginning to grab the item I decided on.  It was on the bottom shelf (of course) so I reach down there to pull this box out.  I had no clue there was a glass pillar candle on the edge of the shelf.  When I pull the box out it hits the candle and it shatters into a million pieces.  The store was dead silent so everyone looks.  The lady comes over thrilled to have to clean up my mess I am sure.  My husband immediately starts laughing....and so do I.....all while I was shrugging my shoulders sheepishly saying I am sorry.  Now I have just given him another reason not to run an errand with me!!!!!  AND THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS!

**Honey, just for the record I love laughing about these silly things....please don't quit going places with me.  I would rather you be there and annoy me (not like a real annoyance....like a cute one) than to not be with you. Unless I am on a mission and don't have time for you to come, or I want to piddle around in a store cause you stink at that. Besides, how else and I going to share my quirks with you like my ability to grab the attention of an entire store?